Why does it bother me so much when people i care about drink? I don't give a shit with anybody else...But it's just those that are close to me, who's personalities I've become so accustomed to. I guess I don't like to see them so different...so...self destructive?

I get this shooting gut wrenching feeling and it makes me feel sick. I'm not gonna deny the fact that both my parents were alcoholics, and my brother suffered from substance abuse, but it really doesn't seem like that could have such an effect on the way im feeling with regards to other people. It seems like something else entirely.

Murder.

The alcohol has killed my girl and replaced her with a twisted and demented half human. This isnt the girl I love, she's in the back of this monsters mind, self reflective, and fully knowing how she's acting. In the morning her hand will caress my back and she'll kiss my cheek as usual. Her eyes at attention, our never ending game of flirts resuming. Just writing this makes me miss her so.

I'm 17 and she's my second uber-serious relationship, the first one i met at 14 which lasted 3 years. People tell me I'm crazy. I've always been one to power my way through life, another child matured too quickly perhaps. The first was really something, a nice girl, and we were apparently pretty close. I decided to end things with her in hopes of remaining friends, but that was simply not good enough for her and she pretty much broke off contact with me. The time it took for her to come back and apologize was simply too long for me to care about her anymore, because it had become grossly apparent that she really didn't feel the same way. I would call it a loss had she really been what I thought all that time, but of course, she wasn't.

This has turned out to be one of those crazy informative journals. It's okay, it's not like I know you people or anything. (wink) But it's good fun, so I'll keep it up.